Supporting Clients Through Holiday Discomfort: A Therapist’s Guide Using The And Way™ Model
As therapists, we know the holidays are especially tough for many of our clients. They’re already grappling with the emotional weight. Sometimes that’s in conversations about whose side of the family to visit, how long to stay, budgeting, and mental load delegation. Beneath those logistics is often a deeper question: Will I be able to handle it if ___________ happens?
As the author of The And Way: Assertive Peacemaking in a Divided World, I’ve been exploring how we can be both grounded and connected even when conversations get uncomfortable. This can be especially helpful during the holiday season for our clients. Here’s how we can empower them to face the challenges that come their way.
Naming The Inevitability of Discomfort
I emphasize with clients that discomfort is not always a sign something has gone wrong. It’s part of being human and in relationship. Instead of strategizing how we avoid topics, I invite them to explore which relationships are feeling full of tension and what dynamics they anticipate toward the end of the year.
I know there’s an inclination, as therapists, to sometimes want clients to avoid stress or conflict, especially when they already have a lot going on. Avoidance, however, only offers temporary relief and can lead to disconnection.
Naming the inevitability of discomfort gives clients permission to approach expansively rather than brace against difficult interactions. This reframing often expands their capacity instead of narrowing it.
Communicate Limits
Western therapy often overemphasizes “setting boundaries to protect your peace.” Recognizing their preferences or limits does not have to lead directly to cutting someone off or canceling. Limits can be communicated without withdrawing from the relationship.
If our clients know certain topics are off-limits for them, encourage them to say that directly and early, rather than assuming others will assume their internal limits. I find it way easier to communicate a request on the front end rather than repair with someone that unknowingly crosses a limit. We do the same thing by having written policies at intake.
Before deciding what to say yes or no to, encourage your client to pause to clarify:
What are true needs (rest, safety, connection, aligned values)?
What are preferences (how long to stay, how people react, where to eat)?
Building a Tolerance for Discomfort
Knowing the difference between needs and preferences can allow us to be less reactive, especially in a more divisive (family) setting. If a client has pretty bold, vague, or downright unreasonable expectations, there may be an opportunity for them to build their tolerance for the discomfort of a topic or being around a certain person. This can be done through methods such as:
1) Exposure and Response Prevention (ERP)
Invite them to consider the feared scenario: “What if my mother-in-law makes a passive-aggressive comment I’m offended by?”
ERP helps clients imagine the discomfort and practice staying regulated instead of defaulting to avoidance.
2) Acceptance and Commitment Therapy (ACT)
Consider how the client’s value for ____________ (connection, justice, honesty, etc) could be reflected in the way they choose to engage the uncomfortable conversation or maintain the relationship that sometimes irks them. It could be an opportunity for growth for the individual or depth in the relationship.
ACT gives clients a way to orient toward what matters most, even when emotions run high.
The holidays are an invitation to practice what we teach:
Tolerating discomfort
Staying rooted in our values
Extending compassion to ourselves and others
Let’s empower our clients to face discomfort rather than strategizing along with their anxious, protective response how to avoid it this holiday season.
Written by Kelsey Blahnik, LCSW-S
Kelsey Blahnik, LCSW-S, is an author, clinician, and advocate committed to bringing peace and justice into our politically divided world. With extensive experience in behavioral health, including work with substance abuse, unhoused individuals, and veterans, Kelsey has witnessed the impact of division on communities. She is the owner of a thriving online group therapy practice, The And Way Therapy, and author of the book The And Way: Assertive Peacemaking in a Divided World.
Outside the therapy room, you’ll usually find her reading, hiking, or enjoying matcha.
Further Reading:
Read more on how to use The And Way™ Model in your practice here.
Support for Therapists Doing This Work: CEUs
Navigating these layered, often emotionally charged dynamics in the therapy room isn’t easy, and you don’t have to do it alone.
That’s why I developed The And Way™ Learning, a place where mental health professionals can grow in confidence, competence, and connection, all while earning ASWB Nationally approved CEUs.
One recent course participant says:
“Kelsey did a wonderful job explaining the gray area in this context, and how when we get stuck in black-and-white thinking, we create distance in relationships. She provided helpful tools for assertive communication, and how to compassionately hold clients accountable while simultaneously ensuring emotional safety.”
You’ll learn evidence-based tools to manage internal tension, navigate conflict with clarity and compassion, and support your clients across political and interpersonal divides, all on your own schedule. Click here to learn more.
