Building a Village From the Ground Up

Village in Action

It was going to be a good self-care day: a morning facial, an afternoon reading on the patio, and wrapping up with a little trash TV. I was well on my way to my first stop. I checked my directions and then—BOOM! I turned a little too tight, hit the curb, and popped the tire on my car. Not good.

I called my husband to come get me, canceled my appointment, and sought comfort in my favorite group thread: The Girls Chat. I gave my friends the play-by-play, and they offered some much-needed encouragement and guidance on what to do next. They even offered to come to my location to help change the tire or take me to the car shop to figure out the next steps. Despite the situation, I couldn’t help but grin from ear to ear.

Being a military family stationed overseas has taught me just how crucial community really is. It’s also taught me that community isn’t handed to you on a silver platter—it takes real work. I’ve moved several times over the course of my life and learned that people don’t simply find you; you have to find your people.

But how?

This is where I’ve seen friends, family, and clients struggle to build their village. Here are a few things I’ve learned along the way:

Stop trying to be liked by everybody

As the saying goes, “You don’t even like everybody.” Connecting with others starts with knowing how to connect with yourself—by showing up authentically. Anxiety will push you to ask all sorts of questions: “What if they think I’m weird?” “What if they don’t like me?” “What if they ghost me?” Anxiety never seems to ask, “What if they don’t?” “What if we get along really well?” “What if they have other friends I can connect with too?” In the end, it’s not about being liked; it’s just about showing up and meeting people.

Expect it to feel awkward

I’ll be honest with you. Making friends in adulthood can be so awkward. But, the more people I talk to, the more I realize it’s not just me. Everyone feels this way! Embracing the awkwardness takes the power out of it. Just let it be what it is and talk to them anyway. Shift your focus to learning about the person in front of you. Even if it feels uncomfortable—go to that event anyway, reach out to that person anyway, try that class anyway. The discomfort will pass. Don’t let the opportunity pass you by.

People are really interesting

As a therapist, I may be biased, but I think people are fascinating. Every person you pass on a day-to-day basis has a complex and colorful story. When you take that step and meet someone new, focus on learning about them. I can almost guarantee you won’t run out of things to talk about once you start. 

What do they do for work? 

How did they get into that field? 

Do they like what they do? 

Do they have other passions?

The list is endless. Exercising curiosity builds connections. Even if you have nothing in common, you’ll still walk away feeling good about that interaction.

Just like plants need an environment with good soil, sunshine, and rain, communities need the same kind of care. Someone has to make the first move. Someone has to reach out and invite the other to coffee, lunch, or that movie. It takes extra effort (especially at the start) to offer invitations and create community. 

Communities thrive when their members make positive assumptions of one another. We all know what it feels like when someone assumes the worst in us. A healthy environment is built by calling out the best in each other. So, even if someone declines that initial invitation, don’t be afraid to offer again.

If you want to build a village, you have to be a village. 

You also need to rely on your village; participate in both directions.

Some people already have a community but don’t know how to use it. People want to help you! Asking for help is an exercise in vulnerability. Reaching out gives others the opportunity to support you in meaningful ways. 

 Be brave as you build a support system. Everyone I’ve ever spoken with is walking a similar journey, where they’re afraid of rejection. A journey where they know what it’s like to be lonely and they crave meaningful connection. Humanity has never survived alone. We need each other.

Whether you find yourself with a flat tire thousands of miles from home or sitting alone in your favorite café, I hope you embrace the awkward, assume the best in others, and take every opportunity to build your village.

Written by Sarah Zhukov, LCSW

If any of this resonates, please reach out! We have a team of trained clinicians who would be honored to be a part of your journey.

To connect with me directly: https://www.theandwaytherapy.com/sarah-zhukov